Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Methods Of Protest Against People Wearing Fur Have Been Amended Day!

Starting today, animal rights activists are asked (politely) to refrain from throwing buckets of red paint at people who sport apparel made from the coats of slaughtered animals. Girls Are Pretty recommends (humbly) the following alternative means of protest against such individuals:

To protest someone wearing fur:

1. Chase after them peeing.

2. If they get away, meet friends for drinks.

To protest someone wearing leather (yes, shoes included, oh yes yes):

1. Shoot a baby.

2. Throw the shot baby at a wall.

To protest someone wearing fake fur:

1. Go to the gym.

2. Work out with free-weights.

3. Approach the fake-fur clad person, hold out your arm and make a muscle.

4. Say, "Feel this."

5. After they feel your muscle, say "Pretty nice, right?"

6. Walk away, wondering why you didn't really get around to any sort of assault.

7. Screw up at work. Find yourself spacing out in conversations with friends. Forget a birthday.

8. After a few days, take a moment to figure out why you're so wiggy lately.

9. Realize that when the fake-fur clad person felt your muscle, you felt something shift inside, like a drastic weather change. Conclude that the only step you can now take is a step toward looking into that fake-fur clad person's eyes once more.

10. Run to the fake-fur clad person's house just in time to see a cabby slam the trunk shut on a pile of suitcases before getting into the cab and pulling away.

11. Get into a cab of your own and shout, "Follow that cab. My only shot at happiness is in that cab so there's a C-Note in it for ya' if you do right."

12. Find the fake-fur clad person at the airport gate about to board a plane to go back to Ohio and be a parent to the son he or she abandoned in high school, having left his or her high school sweetheart to raise the boy alone.

13. Explain that you think you dig the fake-fur clad person. Convince him or her to put off being a parent to the boy long enough to see if you two stink right together. Marry.

Happy Methods Of Protest Against People Wearing Fur Have Been Amended Day!