Thursday, January 30, 2003

I Think That Cater Waiter Likes You Day!

You've hosted eleven functions at your home since switching to Wendell and Wendell for your menu and that one boy with the choppy blonde hair has been on staff for every single one. Do you not see how he follows you around, always just five steps behind you. You've found yourself getting a little too tipsy before dinner because this adorable child (at the Rilke School fundraiser he introduced himself as Craig, if you recall correctly) simply will not allow you to hold an empty champagne flute for five seconds before he slips another mimosa in between your fingertips, and you'd barely know he'd done it if he didn't make such an effort to get you to blink at the glint in his eye.

Use this boy. During the keynote speech at tonight's Retinitis Pigmentosa benefit, summon him to your husband's study through the event manager, saying you need Craig to handle drinks for a meeting that will take place there between the fundraisers for the charity and the attorney for a benefactor friend of yours. When Craig arrives, mount him.

Continue your affair with the boy, holding your heated, abbreviated trysts in your husband's study during the keynote speech at every one of your functions (well known to be the time for you to butt heads with the event manager to get everything squared away for the reception) until you are certain that you are pregnant. Then tell your husband about him. Tell your husband about the baby and about how the baby was conceived on the edge of the desk from where he's conducted his business for the last twenty years. Tell your husband you cannot have the baby because you are too in love with Craig for any evidence of him to exist on the planet if you are to stay with your husband and children. Tell your husband that you will abort the baby, but that you need him to rid your life of the boy. It's been so long since you've been certain that your husband was responsible for the death of a man and you crave such an affrmation of his virility. You've tried to deny it, but you know that you won't find the man attractive again unless he exercises his influence to murder for you. Consider the spark in your marriage rekindled.

Happy I Think That Cater Waiter Likes You Day!