Thursday, January 21, 2016

Voodoo Doll Day!

You bought a Voodoo Doll but it’s broken.

“I’ve been stabbing it in the head with needles a million times but Karen’s head’s fine. Doesn’t even have a headache.”

The doll salesman will ask who Karen is. Explain that she’s the woman who sits in the cubicle next to yours at work and she hums too much.

“So I want to blind her. But your doll blows.”

The doll salesman says that you need to hide the doll under Karen’s pillow and have her sleep on it before it will work.

So you break into Karen’s house and hide the doll under her pillow. Then you call in sick the next day so that when she’s at work you can get the doll back.

Unfortunately, when you go to look for the doll, it’s not there. You search everywhere in Karen’s bedroom, then everywhere in her house. You get so tired that you fall asleep on her couch.

Karen shakes you awake, holding the doll up to your face.

“Looking for this?” she asks.

She found the doll last night. So she tucked it away, and when she found you asleep on her couch she slid the doll under the couch pillow you were sleeping on. Now she’s holding a pin to the doll’s head.

“Say you like me as a person,” Karen commands.

“But I don’t,” you say.

She pokes the doll head with a pin. You feel a sharp pain at your temple.

“I like you as a person,” you tell Karen.

“Say it again,” she says.

You do as she tells you. She makes you say it a dozen more times. Then she hands you the doll and lets you go.

“That’s it?” you ask. “That’s all you’re going to use the doll for?”

“No one’s ever said that to me before,” Karen says. “And if I used the doll for worse, you might not like me as a person anymore.”

You leave while Karen cries. Then you go to the doll salesman and tell him his doll backfired big time and now you still have to go into work and listen to Karen’s humming for forever.

“And I had to say I like her as a person,” you tell him. “So gross.”

“Quit and come work for me,” the doll salesman says. “I don’t hum.”

You tell him you don’t want to sell stupid dolls. So the doll salesman holds a flame near the doll you just returned to him and you feel a burning on your skin. You accept the job, and that’s how you embarked on a career selling Voodoo dolls, which you’ll do until you die or you get that doll back from him, whichever comes first.

Happy Voodoo Doll Day!