Friday, January 15, 2016

The Sing To Your Food Diet Day!

The best way to manage your eating is to express appreciation for your food before you eat it. When you have your lunch in front of you, don’t just plow into it. Let your lunch know how much it means to you by singing a song you just wrote about it. Like let’s say you have a bowl of three bean chili. Sing it a ballad.

Oh well I know we been estranged

The road between us was steep and hilly

But now you’re here with me

And my life is great with you, my three bean chili

Or let’s say you’re about to eat a meatball hero. Sing that sandwich a song of positivity and joy.

It’s a neeeeew day

And everything feels just fine

Cuz I got a meatball hero in my hands

And I can feel the future is miiiiiiine

Really hit the high note on “mine.”

If you’re eating a salad, go with one of those twinkly high-pitched gnome-like indie singer songs that always play over yogurt commercials.

When I look into your eyes

I see a grassy sunlit meadow

And it’s green and bright and free of strife

I’ll meet you there

Whenever you’re ready to say hello again, salad

Because you’re just the sweetest treat of my sweet life

Once you finish singing, wait for your food to applaud. When it doesn’t applaud, ask your food who the fuck does it think it is. You worked hard writing that fucking song and it just sits there. Tell your food to go fuck itself then throw it at the wall. Don’t clean it up either. Just walk past the splash of food on your wall and give it the finger, day after day, then hold your phone to your ear and sing into it so your food thinks you’ve met other food to sing to. Your food will get jealous as it dries into a permanent stain that you’ll one day paint over. You should expect to lose two pounds a week.

Happy The Sing To Your Food Diet Day!