Friday, January 22, 2016

Don’t Break Up With Lance Day!

His mom says he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Not today,” his mom begs. “Please. Just wait a little.”

“I don’t want to break up with your son,” you tell her.

His mom laughs.

“Come on, of course you do,” she says. “You’re so much hotter than him. And he’s so lame. But please, just keep dating him a little while longer?’

"Mrs. Sanford,” you tell her. “I really like your son. And part of me wonders if he could be the one.”

Lance’s mom laughs so hard at that one that she starts to cough. You pour her a glass of water. She thanks you, then hugs you.

“You’re so considerate. Lance doesn’t deserve you,” she says. “Which is why I’ve drawn up an eight-week plan for you to let him down easy. Take a look.”

Lance’s mom unrolls a large calendar across the kitchen table. It lays out exactly when you should start being cold around Lance (week 2), when you should fight with him over something small that represents a larger problem (week 4). Week 6 is when you should suggest that you and Lance spend some time apart. In week 7, you’re supposed to tell Lance you want to go on a date, just like in the beginning. You’re to tell him you want to see what it’s like if the two of you pretend all this fighting and questioning hasn’t been happening, so you can just enjoy each other’s company. In week 8, on the day of the final breakup, you’re to tell Lance how much fun you had on that pretend do-over date, and it reminded you what a great guy he is and why you liked him in the first place. But you also realized a relationship can’t exist within a pretend do-over date. Those weeks of fighting really did happen, and you think it would be better to just cut your losses and cherish what you had.

“Seem doable?” Lance’s mom asks.

“Look,” you say. “I like dating your son. I don’t want to break up with him. And I need you to get through your head that no matter what you think of him—”

You stop talking when Lance enters the kitchen.

“Hey, whatcha doin’?” he says. “Ready to go to the movie?”

He looks down and sees the calendar.

“Oh,” he says. “My mom showed you the eight-week calendar.”

There’s a moment of silence. You don’t know what to say.

“So,” Lance says. “Seem doable?”

Happy Don’t Break Up With Lance Day!