You have a date with Loretta tonight but you’re not going to make it on time because you’re going to get kidnapped.
“Please,” you say to the masked men who threw you in their van. “I have a date with a girl I’ve loved from afar for years. This could be the most important night of my life. Please don’t deprive me of it.”
“Godammit Steve,” one kidnapper screams at the driver.
“No real names!” the driver screams back.
“Sorry. Goddammit Kevin! We said no one would get hurt.”
Kevin/Steve yells back, “We’re not hurting him!”
“Standing in the way of true love? I’d say that’s pretty hurtful!”
“He’s got a point Ste– Kevin,” the third kidnapper says.
“Fine,” Steve/Kevin says. “Where’s this date supposed to be?”
They drive you to the restaurant and say they’ll be parked outside all night. If you try to escape they’ll kill you both.
The date goes wonderfully. You talk about your hopes, your fears, your childhoods, and your favorite episodes of Mr. Robot. At the end of the date you walk her home while the van follows. She invites you up and you make love. The next morning you come downstairs, the van still waiting for you.
“Looks like it went well,” one of the kidnappers in the back says. You can see his smile through the hole in his ski mask.
“It did,” you say, blushing.
“Ready to get on with this?” Steve/Kevin says.
“Wait, I told her I’d bring back bagels.”
They follow you to the bagel store and back, and they wait outside while you eat bagels and make love again upstairs.
Hours later, you come back downstairs.
“Now you ready to get on with this?” Steve/Kevin asks.
You nod, staring up at her window. “I am,” you say. “Now that I know my love will be here waiting for me, I’m ready to survive however long a kidnapping you have planned.”
They throw you in the van and speed away. Three days later your rich father delivers the money, but he ignores their demand for no cops. You’re killed in the shoutout. Loretta falls for one of your coworkers at your funeral.
Happy Date With Loretta Day!