Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Be The Girlfriend Of His Dreams Day!

He’ll say, “I really like tea.”

Next time he comes over, have a pot of tea brewing for him. Bam, super girlfriend!

He’ll say, “It sure is cold in here.”

Put your body on his and hold him close to keep him warm. Girlfriend supreme!

He’ll say, “I wish I had a stepladder to reach the shelf above the cabinets in the kitchen."

Over the weekend, hit the Target and buy him a stepladder, then leave it in his kitchen with a little bow on it. Huzzah! You’re the best girlfriend a short dude ever had.

He’ll say, "Jeff at work is really bugging me.”

Break into Jeff’s apartment and hide in his closet until he gets into bed. Pull on your burlap mask, burst out of his closet and pin Jeff to the bed. From the bag on your shoulder, remove the python you bought from Petsmart and let it slither over his face. Tell Jeff if he isn’t nicer to his coworkers, he’s going to find out what it’s like to have his head slowly digested by a reptile. Jeff will agree to be nicer and you’ll have unlocked the Excellent Girlfriend Achievement. Return the python for cash.

He’ll say, “I’m stuck in here.”

Go to a higher floor and pry open the elevator doors, then shimmy down the elevator cable to the roof of the car he’s stuck in. Pop open the escape panel on the roof of the car and tell him to take your hand. Then pull him up out of the car and instruct him to shimmy up the cable to the floor where the doors are open. Encourage him with supportive comments the whole way, letting him know you think he’s really strong to be climbing to safety like this, and he looks handsome when he panics. Awesome girlfriend = You!

He’ll say, “Will you marry me?”

Tell him you appreciate the offer but you’re really trying to get the hang of this girlfriend thing, and if you have to suddenly become his wife, you’ll be starting over at zero and everything you’ve been working toward will just be thrown into the trash. You do that enough, jumping from project to project any time things get challenging, and you don’t want to do it with this. Tell him you should be able to really nail your girlfriend shtick in about four to six more years, then you can start looking into whether or not you want to try and pursue wife stuff, or maybe law school and then, perhaps, politics? He’ll support you because you’re such a good girlfriend, how could he not!

He’ll say, “Then I think we should see other people.”

Introduce him to some friends of yours who you just know would be perfect for him. You’ve got that one friend who always seemed to get a little too physical when she talked to him, resting her hand on his wrist while making a point (Hi Pam!), and you bet they’d hit it off. Arrange a dinner party and sit him next to Pam and watch the sparks fly thanks to some help from little old you, the perfect girlfriend!

He’ll say, “Pam and I are in love and you have to accept this. You said you’d be moved out by today.”

Show him that not only have you moved out, but you’re only hanging around to help Pam move in! You want this to go smoothly for him and you’re not going to let some uncaring movers ruin her things on the first day of their shared life together, because you’re the best girlfriend he could ask for and you better goddamn believe he knows it!

He’ll say, “What are you doing here? Pam and I have been married for years and we have a son who just turned three.”

No duh, that’s why you’re parked outside his house dressed head to toe in a clown costume. Every three-year-old deserves a clown on his birthday, and who better to be that clown than daddy’s unbelievably awesome girlfriend (who just so happens to have taken a semester of Clowning when she was at Brandeis, thank you very much!). Congratulations, you just became the girlfriend of his dreams!

He’ll say, “Pam’s just too busy to pay attention to me anymore. Anyway, it’s been a such a long time since I’ve heard from you and I was wondering what you’re up to. Remember that time you rescued me from a stalled elevator? You were such a good girlfriend.”

Such a good girlfriend? Girlfriend of his dreams! Goddammit, get it right! And once you achieved all you could achieve in the girlfriending realm, you went to law school, killed it, and now you’re a congressional representative for his district. Tell him you’re ready to listen to any concerns he has about how the country is doing and what can be done to make a better America because you are ready to be THE CONGRESSIONAL REPRESENTATIVE OF HIS DREAMS!!!!

Happy Be The Girlfriend Of His Dreams Day!