Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Your Girlfriend Is Asleep Outside Your Favorite Bar Day!

She’s asleep sitting up, her back against the doorframe and her head bent forward on her neck. The door occasionally shoves her aside when it opens wide enough, but she doesn’t stir from her slumber. The bartender kicked her out over and hour ago and sometime between getting off of her stool and stepping out the front door, she apparently got real tired. So she sat down on the sidewalk and fell asleep.

The only reason you’ll find her there is because it’s your favorite bar she’s sleeping outside of. You don’t own it, but when you two have a fight, that’s the bar where you go to drink alone until you’re drunk enough to have angry conversations with yourself. You didn’t know your girlfriend even knew about the place.

When you see her, you don’t try to wake her up right away. You first go inside and get the bartender to come out and take a look.

“She’s a regular, sure,” he’ll say. “She comes here almost as often as you. Can drink as much as you too.”

“She’s my girlfriend,” you’ll say.

“Well then, scoop her up,” the bartender says before going back inside.

You slap your girlfriend until her eyes flutter enough that you think she’s awake. You tell her that you were wrong to fight with her earlier about her wanting to get married, and now that you see she drinks alone at the same bar where you drink alone, and you both chose that bar completely independently of each other, you can’t see any better reason for the two of you to tie the knot.

On your knees, holding her limp head up on her neck, you’ll ask, “Will you marry me?”

Your girlfriend will throw up on your arms and she’ll call out the name of another guy. Then she’ll fall asleep. A dark stain will form on the crotch of her jeans.

“I’ll take that as an absolutely,” you’ll say. Then you’ll wipe your arms on a fire hydrant, fling your fiancé over your shoulder and carry her home.

Happy Your Girlfriend Is Asleep Outside Your Favorite Bar Day!