That camcorder videotape of you when you were fourteen taking a shit on the front steps of your local Parish recently surfaced and is making the rounds on the internet. You’re wearing your King Diamond tee and making devil horns with your fingers while you squat, giggling. The kid holding the camera (Chad, presently employed as an unemployment insurance case worker) is cackling and yelping while he tries to hold the camera steady. Another kid with greasy long hair and a Slayer “Reign In Blood” tee occasionally runs into frame to spit loogies on you, but you can’t do anything because you’re still shitting. It’s already been viewed several million times, so everyone has seen you wipe yourself with your hand then carefully pull your pants up and trot out of the frame. So naturally, they want to know how long you went before you finally washed your hand. However, when you make your statement tonight withdrawing yourself from the race for city Comptroller, don’t give them any answers. It’s best to leave the tape with its enigmatic ending. Instead, tell them something true, something that’s in your heart since this is the last time you’ll have their attention.
Look into the camera and say, only: “Metal is not dead.” Then thank the people for their time.
Happy That Videotape Of You Taking A Shit On A Church Day!