Today you’re going to shoot a singing telegram in the stomach. He’ll be dressed like Shrek and he’ll be singing about how it’s okay being green because at least he’s not thirty-six (today’s your 36th birthday). You’ll claim that you were cleaning your gun and it went off, but you’ll be charged with second-degree murder anyway. Once you’re in jail, you’ll finally find out who sent the singing telegram. It was your ex-wife.
“I wanted to win you back,” she’ll tell you when she visits you. “I wanted to make you laugh again. And I know you love Shrek. He’s really funny.”
“Shrek sucks,” you’ll tell her. You’ll later regret being so candid when a transcript of this conversation is used against you in court. “The only good thing that will come out of this is that I got to watch that ogre die. You always gave me terrible presents, with no clue what I actually wanted. This is just like when you bought me that James Bond box set even though I hate James Bond movies. Now you’ve topped them all. You gave me a present that got me thrown in jail, maybe for decades.”
It will be for decades. Two and a half actually. The judge will be a Shrek fan and he’ll want to set an example in case anyone else out there is thinking of killing that lovable ogre. Your ex-wife will come to visit every week, and you’ll refuse her visit every time. When you finally get paroled in 2025, you and your ex-wife will be in your fifties. She’ll be waiting outside the gate when you’re released. You’ll let her drive you to her place since you have nowhere else to go. As a welcome back present, she’ll give you an action figure of a Moose in a tuxedo. Later you’ll find out his name is Murray Moose, and he’s the star of an animated movie that swept the nation the year prior. When you watch the movie, you’ll think it blows, but you'll stick by your ex-wife anyway since it's either her or the halfway house.
Happy Shoot The Messenger Day!