Wednesday, July 25, 2007

You Wore Out The Sex Scene On Your VHS Copy Of “An Officer And A Gentleman” Day!

You don’t like to have people over to your home anymore because at some point in the night your friends always start rooting through your expansive collection of VHS movies and it’s inevitable that one of them will come back to the living room shouting, “Hey Guys, he’s got 'An Officer And A Gentleman' here!"

Everyone else will note that they haven’t seen that movie in years, as it hasn’t been aired on cable or elsewhere since 1989. You’ll say that it’s not really as good as they remember, but they’ll ultimately take a vote and agree to pop it into the VCR. That’s when you’ll start to squirm.

They’ll all be enjoying the movie, the push-ups, the small-town gals looking for husbands, Lou Gossett Jr. But you’ll know what’s coming. You’ll know that when the sex scene between Richard Gere and Debra Winger begins, the picture is going to go fuzzy and warped, and then it will disappear completely.

At first they’ll complain: “Hey what gives? I thought VHS tapes were supposed to last forever.” Then they’ll try and fix it: “Maybe if we rewind?” Then they’ll start making accusations: “The picture is bad because [YOUR NAME] wore out the tape because [YOUR NAME] likes to jerk off to it and he has to rewind and replay over and over again because the scene isn’t very long!”

And then they will laugh.

“It’s true,” you’ll say, quieting their laughter. “I do use the sex scene from ‘An Officer And A Gentleman’ as erotica. It’s very graphic, yet very tender. And I have always dreamed of having a love like that between Richard Gere and Debra Winger. I dream of trying to achieve a better character, and of being wanted by a woman who’s having it hard and just wants a little bit of help.”

Now they’re crying. Not at you. The movie’s still on and they just found whatshisname hanged. They forgot what you said already, and all that’s left is for Richard Gere to carry Debra Winger through the factory. Let them watch alone. Go into your bedroom and pop in your VHS copy of “Coming Home” and rub one out while they’re finishing their movie in the living room. Make sure to listen for “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong” so you can get out there to watch the end with them and say goodbye. You need to hide your VHS movie collection better. It says far too much about yourself and no one really wants to listen.

Happy You Wore Out The Sex Scene On Your VHS Copy Of “An Officer And A Gentleman” Day!