Tuesday, July 24, 2007

You Open Prisons Day!

Today, you’re the girl who goes out and finds new and interesting neighborhoods where you can open prisons. It’s a good job. You travel the country, scoping out the lay of the land and trying to find that special patch of America where the next big maximum security prison will make a home. Naturally, most of your fellow Americans are always quick with a friendly word.

“My baby’s father goes to prison a lot, on average he spends half the year there,” one woman will tell you when you meet her in a coffee shop. “So if we had a prison right here in town, I wouldn’t have to get fired from my job every time I go and visit him in one of those pens three states over anymore. I could just go over on a Saturday.”

“I could finally achieve my dream of selling fake baby drawings from a roadside table,” another man will tell you as you and he wait to check out at a Stop N’ Shop. “No need for such a thing in any old town. But on the road outside of a prison, when a parent visits his or her spouse but has forgotten to bring any of their baby’s drawings to show off, that’s where I come in. I just love to make fake baby drawings of birds flying out of bird cages that say Daddy on them.”

"The fear of escapees would cut down on folks picking up hitchhikers,” an anti-hitchhiking advocate will tell you. “That’s all I care about. ‘Make ‘em walk’ is our slogan. ‘They should’ve thought ahead and arranged transportation for themselves,’ is another slogan of ours that we don’t use all that much.”

Almost everybody will be for you and your prison coming to town and building over the public parks and recreation centers. Everybody except for the president of the local chapter of the “Our Town’s Just Fine The Way It Is Association.” He’ll be another in a long line of rabble-rousers who think it’s in his town’s best interest to send the convicts and their unlimited tax revenue elsewhere.

You know how to handle these opponents. You go to bed with them and let your opposing forces battle it out underneath the sheets, yielding some of the best sex any American can have outside of a jail cell. Just don’t fall in love again. That’s the tough part about being the girl who goes looking for places to open prisons. Trying not to fall in love with the good guy. He’s always just so dismissive of you and everything you stand for, you can’t help but hand him your heart.

Happy You Open Prisons Day!