Friday, July 06, 2007

You And Your Wife Only Communicate Via Spyware Histories Day!

You think your wife installed spyware on your computer (she has) so you are going to have to stop Googling her sister (her sister is one of those girls from the early days of Myspace who got a million friends because she wears glittery thong bikinis in all of her pictures) and start Googling things like “What do I do when I love my wife so much that I doubt I’ll ever be able to express my love adequately?” and “How do I make my wife even happier?” and “The opposite of looking at pictures of my wife’s sister.”

Not to be outdone, you should install spyware on your wife’s computer to keep her on the up and up. She’ll have already suspected that you’ll start monitoring her, so she’s going to stop Googling “Ways To Disappear Fast and Without a Trace” and, since you’re paying attention, she’ll start searching for things like “Ways to get my husband to be more considerate of my feelings” and “Ways to get my husband to agree to remodel the master bathroom” and “How do I tell my husband I know his spyware history is bullshit?”

It won’t be long before you and your wife are talking more than ever via your spyware histories. She’ll check your history one morning and find nothing but “Why do spouses resort to passive aggressive behavior?” and “Undermining wives and how to deal with them” and she’ll realize that she really hurt you the night before when she made that joke in front of the neighbors about you being skipped over for your promotion. So you’ll later check her history and find, “Ways to tell your husband you’re sorry” and “Tips on expressing just how proud you are of your spouse.”

Your sex life will improve too. After a few weeks of communicating your wants and needs to each other through web searches, you’ll both be brave enough to Google the sort of kinks you are both into but were always too embarrassed to actually speak up about. When you each log onto the other’s spyware history and you each find the search terms “Founding + Fathers + Roleplay + Harness” lined up in the exact same order, it’ll be like a magician just lifted a curtain at a magic show to reveal the secret reason why you married each other, hidden away all this time.

Happy You And Your Wife Only Communicate Via Spyware Histories Day!