Monday, July 16, 2007

All The Peeping Toms In The Whole Wide World Day!

At 8:25 PM EST, a warm wind will blow around the globe when all the Peeping Toms in the whole wide world peer out their windows through their telescopes, binoculars, and nightvision camcorder lenses, and they all at once let out a sigh of unparalleled boredom.

You’ll unbutton another button on your top when you feel the gust of hot breath hit your neck. You’ll assume it to be a hint of another sweltering day to come, but it’s just the Peeping Toms lamenting over just how dull other people’s private moments can be sometimes.

“Who do I have to blow to get someone to do something filthy in front of their goddamn bay windows?” a Peeping Tom will shout from his 33rd floor apartment, too high for anyone on the street to hear. That Peeping Tom (full name: Thomas Carter, distant cousin of the former US president) is a very angry Peeping Tom and he is prone to yelling when his peeping activities are for naught.

Most of the other Peeping Toms will let out their hot sighs and return to the inner rooms of their apartments and homes to find some other activity to pass the time. Thomas Kang, an Anaheim, CA Peeping Tom will sit at his desk, crank up the AC, and begin another fan letter to Eva Longoria. Tommy Wojohowicz, a Peeping Tom who has lived for the last twelve years in Warsaw, Poland, will go into his kitchen and fix himself a sandwich with sausage and pickles. And when Tom Brokaw (no relation), a twelve-year-old Peeping Tom who lives in New York City and hopes to one day become a television news anchor (seriously, no relation) finishes his long sad sigh, he’ll lay down on the bottom bunk and ask his nine-year-old brother (top bunk) why it is that nothing ever seems to be going in people’s houses during the summer.

“Everyone’s at camp?” his little brother will offer.

“Except for us,” young Tom Brokaw will respond. “I wish Dad didn’t get fired from his job.”

Then Tom Brokaw will pick up his binoculars again and see whether anyone is doing anything fun in any of the apartments across the way. He’ll note the flutter in the leaves in the trees as the sigh of the world’s Peeping Toms continues to sweep through the air. His blood will race when he spots what he thinks are boobs in the sixteenth floor window straight ahead, then he’ll focus his binoculars and realize it’s just some halogen lamps.

Happy All The Peeping Toms In The Whole Wide World Day!