Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Give Them Back Their Neighborhood Day!

You've been spending a few days in the basement of a sample home in a middle class Milwaukee suburb. The neighborhood would be idyllic except that it's become overrun by teenage street gangs who crowd the streets all night smoking cigarettes, riding their motorcycles back and forth, and dancing in a ribald manner. The neighborhood crime watch tried to stand up to them, but they backed down when the street gangs set fire to the crime watch leader's kids. You're going to have to help them take back their neighborhood.

"Forget what you used to dream about having a family and a big house with a tree," tell the crime watch members. "The more you think that's what life's supposed to be like, the more they're taking from you. To fight these gangs, you have to admit that you live in their world. That way, you have just as little to lose as they do. Don't fight to take back your streets. Fight because you just wanna crack their heads open. That's the way they fight. Think they're defending their honor? Think they care about anything like that? They fight for kicks. They steal for fun. They ruin your lives just because they ain't got the money to go to the movies. We gotta come at them with the same thrill-killing thirst for blood that they have. Let's do it, but let's make sure we're doing it for the fun of watching a bunch of wayward youths die."

When you're done your speech, the neighborhood crime watch will be revved up to go. Train them in hand-to-hand combat and weaponry for a half-hour or so, then lead them into the streets for the big brawl.

Before the fight begins, you'll recognize the leader of the street gang. The two of you will chat about the old times a bit, then the fight will start and the neighborhood crime watch will kick the street gang's ass. The street gang will take off running, but now that they've gotten the taste in their mouths, the neighborhood crime watch will want more blood. So they'll start invading neighboring housing developments, breaking windows and stealing lawnmowers and smacking down anyone who tries to stand in their way.

Seems like every time you try to help you only manage to make things worse. Your daughter better be glad you ran off.

Happy Give Them Back Their Neighborhood Day!