Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Fishing Buddies Day!

Go fishing today with Ned, your fishing buddy, and he'll try to take the relationship to a new level.

"What are you doing?" you'll ask.

Ned will look down at the bottle of whiskey in his hand. "Havin' a drink," he'll say.

"You're my fishing buddy, Ned," tell him. "I have a drinking buddy. His name's Pounder and he lives above a gas station. Now let's fish."

You and Ned will sit quietly with your lines in the water for what seems like an eternity but is in reality only around thirty seconds before Ned lights up a joint.

"What are you doing?" you'll ask. "Ned, you know that I already have a smoke buddy. His name's Chancellor Buzzforth and he runs a pottery studio in the Gay section of town. Put that thing out."

Ned will put out his joint and start knitting a sweater.

"Allison, Kim, Laura, Marie and Beatrice. They're all my buddies in my knitting circle and we don't need a seventh, Ned. Stow that stuff."

Ned will put away his knitting and he'll take out some porn and start masturbating.

"I've had the same circle jerk buddy since ninth grade. You've even met Joey, Ned. How could you?"

Ned will stir some brownie batter.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! Baking Buddies?! Rex may be in prison for another four months but when he gets out you can bet we'll make one hell of a batch of cookies and I won't stab him in the back for you while he's gone!"

Ned will conjure a Phoenix.

"Sorcery Buddies?! You'd better hope Maximilian Of Gorgon is too busy with a potion to sense how you're trying to move in on me."

In quick succession, Ned will draw up plans for exacting punishment on everyone who's had it coming, he'll lust after his mother then put his eyes out, and then real fast-like he'll throw a Frisbee at a tree and then shout hole in one.

"No no no! I have a Payback Buddy. My Oedibuddy and I have been like two peas in a pod for over a decade now. And I am not looking for a Frisbee Golf buddy! Let's just fish, goddammit."

Ned will sit still for a moment, staring at the water. Then he'll say, "I need more of you."

The next eleven hours of fishing will be awkward.

Happy Fishing Buddies Day!