Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Carter The Unstoppable Unsolicited Massage Machine Day!

Your friend Carter is a little touchy. Not to say he's overly sensitive. Though he could be. You can't know who's crying behind closed doors when the nighttime comes. No, to say Carter is touchy means that he likes to touch girls with whom he has not previously had intimate relations of any sort. Many of these are girls that he has wooed without success. Many others are girls he has just met within the hour. To touch a girl who has not previously given her permission to be touched requires a strategy if one is to not be scolded or arrested. Carter's strategy is to come up from behind the girl he wishes to touch (surprise!) and without warning (again, surprise!) place his hands upon the girl's shoulders and commence a massage of the girl's shoulder and upper back tissue. Since a massage is normally a non-sexual service that relieves stress and is often paid for by the recipient, Carter may hide behind the apparent generosity of his providing such a service for free and without even needing to be asked. However, Carter has not been trained in the art of massage, and his technique often does more harm than good. Additionally, any fool can see that Carter's motivation is not to relieve the stress of the recipient. Carter administers these massages because he likes to give himself wood. And he doesn't like to wait until he's attained the consent of whoever might aid in this wood-getting. It's innocent enough and doesn't leave many scars, but nonetheless, all of your mutual female friends have caucused and they've decided that tonight they will forcibly remove Carter's hands from his wrists. They will use a hacksaw that they plan to buy later today at the hardware store. Don't get in their way, as they'll be forced to harm you as well. But be ready to take Carter to the hospital. Cover your backseat in plastic sheeting. Maybe you could go with your mutual female friends to the hardware store and buy a roll of plastic sheeting when they buy their hacksaw. Make a day of it.

Happy Carter The Unstoppable Unsolicited Massage Machine Day!