Wednesday, November 08, 2006

You're Sick And Tired Of Being Jerked Around Day!

Tonight on your way home you'll, remember that you need to pick up some kitty litter from the pet store. You'll arrive at the pet store at 9:40 PM, but the store will have closed at 9, as it does every night. Because you are sick and tired of being jerked around, you'll pick up a trashcan from in front of a neighboring building and toss it through the storefront window, which will show them. The burglar alarm will clang as you climb through the window, find your bag of litter, and climb back out onto the sidewalk, because this is America. Before you reach the end of the block, a police squad car will skid to a halt beside you and the two officers will jump out and point their guns at you, demanding that you drop the litter and put your hands up.

'Figures,' you'll say. Then you'll do as they command and you'll be taken to the station and charged with destruction of private property, burglary, and theft, because that's how they like to screw people like you.

You'll attend your trial with your mouth sealed with the duct tape that you put there yourself, and when you stand for sentencing, you'll keep one fist upraised at all times. The judge will concede that this is your first criminal offense of any kind, and if you were to take the tape off and perhaps say a few words of contrition, it might be beneficial. You'll roll your eyes, because you know that taking your tape off and speaking in your own defense is exactly what they'd love for you to do, because they never get tired of sticking it to ya. The judge will sentence you to nine months in jail and 100 hundred hours of community service. As he reads your sentence, you'll hum 'Amazing Grace' from behind your duct tape very loudly.

When the judge finishes reading your sentence, he'll sit in silence for a moment to listen to your humming and try to figure you out. Finally, he'll shake his head ruefully and signal the bailiff to take you away. That night, the judge will rant to his two sons at dinner about how a lot of people are starting to feel like they aren't getting a fair shake when it comes to stores refusing to stay open later than they claim they will and policemen arresting people for committing crimes. His two sons will giggle because the judge has a very pronounced speech impediment and now that they're old enough, they know how funny it is.

Happy You're Sick And Tired Of Being Jerked Around Day!