Friday, November 10, 2006

Virgin Sacrifice Day!

You and your friends had a de-virginization race and you lost. So today you're going to be ritually sacrificed. Rules are rules.

'Isn't there any other way?' your mother will ask.

'Sorry mom,' you'll say. 'I couldn't close the deal. As the last and only virgin in my social circle, I have to be lain upon an altar and have my arteries opened up so that I may bleed into buckets.'

'Of course there's no other way,' your Dad will shout at your mom. They don't get along, and this sacrifice thing is especially hard on them. 'Didn't you ever go to high school? He's the last virgin for God's sake!'

Your Dad will grab you behind your neck and look into your eyes. 'I'm proud of you boy,' he'll say. 'You hear me? When I was growing up the virgins would pack up and head to Canada or Mexico. Cowards they were, had no problem choosing to live a life without honor. I'm sorry that you have to die, but I'd be even more sorry if you had to live like a coward.'

'Oh there must be something we can do!' you mother will shout.

'The virgin surrenders his blood so that at homecoming we may drink from him and taste of lost purity!' your father will bark. 'Jesus, didn't you ever go to high school!'

Your mother will continue blubbering while your father will murmur something about how your mother was probably one of the 'brainiacs' who never had sex and never took part in any sacrificial rituals. Then the doorbell will ring.

Standing on your front step will be Casey, the girl you like.

'I wanted to say goodbye,' she'll say. 'I'm sorry I couldn't help you.'

You'll nod.

'Look,' she'll say. 'I had a little brother who died when he was six. My parents still haven't gotten over it, and it would kill them if they lost me or my brother too. So I had to make sure that wouldn't happen. If I had had sex with you, it would have been like I was helping my brother lose the de-virginization race. I couldn't risk him being the last one to lose his virginity.'

'I kinda figured that was why,' you'll say. 'But if there wasn't any chance of your brother being sacrificed, would you have done it with me?'

'But that's silly. There's always to be a sacrifice.'

'WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IT WITH ME!' you'll explode, shaking her by the shoulders.

'Of course! Of course!' she'll scream. 'I wanted my first time to be with you. Only with you! I loved you!' She'll turn around and run from your house.

You'll close the door and find your Dad waiting with a white tunic in his hands.

'This was what your Uncle Martin wore when he was laid to rest on the altar,' he'll say. 'I was as proud of him as I am of you. I always knew you were just like my little brother. Will you wear his tunic?'

Say, 'With pleasure Dad.'

You'll don the decades old garment and when you get in the car and wait for your father to drive you to the sacrifice, you'll have a big satisfied smile on your face. You may be about to have your blood drained out of you into some buckets, but you got your answer. Casey, the girl you've liked since fourth grade, has admitted that she would have had sex with you if you lived in a world where sex wouldn't hasten her own brother's murder. And everyone in high school knows that if you can imagine a world in which you would have been able to have sex with somebody, well, it kind of counts.

Happy Virgin Sacrifice Day!