Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You're Marrying The Wrong Guy Day!

Today your wedding will not be interrupted when the guy you should be marrying shows up and makes a big scene to stop the ceremony and convince you that you're making a mistake. Instead, he's going to wake up next to a girl he sometimes sleeps with when the two of them are both bored and wasted. He went out with some friends last night to try to take his mind off the fact that you're getting married to the wrong guy. They went to a big drugged out party in his old neighborhood and he saw a lot of people he hasn't seen in quite a while because whenever he sees them he always ends up getting a little too ill. The girl he sometimes sleeps with was there, and they went home to her place.

Her place is awful, and today he's going to wake up there, next to her. Instead of taking off immediately like he normally would, today, because you're marrying the wrong guy, he'll stick around and let her make him breakfast and they'll play-act like they're a couple with a chance in hell. Though, it won't take very long before she drops a frying pan on her foot and runs into her bedroom to get high and stay there. He'll put on his clothes and leave.

He'll walk home, trying to keep from being in any one place where he can be found. While you're getting into your dress, he'll be at a record store looking at CDs that he intends to buy on another day. While you're having your hair done, he'll be at a Subway Sandwiches Shop eating a footlong Italian BMT while reading a free newspaper. When your mother comes in to tell you that you look beautiful and to complain about what your Dad's new wife said to her, he'll have bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time in eight months. Since you're marrying the wrong guy, he decided to start smoking again today. It's the kind of thinking where he can rationalize, 'Hey this is a mistake, but it's nowhere near as dangerous as what she's doing.'

Don't worry that he forgot about you. No matter where he is or what he does today, he'll be thinking about what he could have said the last time he saw you to make you call off the engagement. He told you he missed you and he warned you that he would need to avoid you in the future because it hurt to see you anymore. But he never said, 'Don't marry him.' He can't put it all out there like that.

Just like he's not able to burst into a crowded church right after a priest asks the congregation to speak now or forever hold their peace. He couldn't imagine standing there with 300 heads turned around to get a look at him and hear what he's got to say. And then, with everyone looking at him, he'd have to say that he loves you and he's dying without you and he'd have to say that the guy you're marrying is no good for you with the guy standing right there staring at him. That's insane! I mean who would do that?

As far as he's concerned, he blew it. And when the priest asks the congregation to speak now or forever hold their peace, he'll be playing one of those roller-ball video golf games at a bar where it's okay to come in during the day and drink because they show sports on the TV. When the priest says, 'You may kiss the bride,' he'll be on the sidewalk smoking his first cigarette in eight months. You'll have already filed for divorce before he quits again.

Happy You're Marrying The Wrong Guy Day!