Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Fundamentalist Starbucks Day!

Your local Starbucks is like a living room away from home for you. You love to go there and slip on some headphones and get lost in a good book, forgetting all about your two roommates for a little while. Your local Starbucks would be perfect if it wasn't for the creepy church group that's always hanging out there.

They don't preach to the other customers. They don't even talk all that loud. It looks like they just go there at night to chill out after a meeting of some kind. At first you thought they were just another AA after-crew, but then you saw one of them absently folding one of the poorly illustrated pamphlets that talk about Christ as if he were a lovable cartoon dog.

As soon as you found out they were a church group you were suddenly unable to relax. You haven't been able to concentrate when you read because you're always looking over at them to see if they're going to pray or hold hands or something. Whenever one of them starts whispering to another, you get goosebumps. You can't quite explain why, they just creep you out and you want them to go. Here's how to do it.

Approach their couches and say, 'Listen Christians, lets make a deal. One of you comes out back with me and we have ourselves a fistfight. If I win, you all have to find another Starbucks where you can sit around and get all caffeinated while basking in the light of the Lord. If you win, I'll go over to the Dunkin Donuts across the street and you'll never see me again. Deal?'

The Christians will say 'Deal!' Then they'll nominate Martin, a tall blonde man who looks a little older than you, to represent their group in the fistfight. When you get out back, Martin will shake your hand and say, 'May the best man win.' Then he'll kick your fucking ass.

After the fight, Martin will help you up and you'll say that a deal's a deal and you'll go pack up your stuff. The Christians will demand that you stay at the Starbucks. They would feel terrible if they knew they were keeping you from your favorite coffee shop. You'll thank them for being so forgiving.

From then on, whenever you arrive at the Starbucks, the Christians will all shout your name and jokingly call you a Christian-hater and a pussy who got his ass beat by an altar boy. You'll laugh along with them and find yourself a seat that points away from their couches, because even though they proved to be really cool and really tough, they're still a church group and you just can't help it. They make you nervous.

Happy Fundamentalist Starbucks Day!