Friday, October 27, 2006

You Are An Aspiring Daredevil Day!

It's hard to get up and go to your day job every morning when you know your time would be better spent trying to perfect the stunt where you light a brick wall on fire and crash a motorcycle into it. Keeping your eyes on the prize can be tough when you're spending all day behind a desk answering phones and juggling the calendars for a bunch of multi-millionaire patent lawyers. Everyone has to pay their dues. You just can't help but wonder how long it'll be before you're paid up. Sadly, today is really going to put your resolve to the test.

When you get into work, you'll be summoned to HR where you're told that all of your sick days have been used up and you'll have to take an unpaid leave of absence if you stay out with so much as a cold before the end of the year.

'Maybe you need to allow for the fact that human beings aren't robots!' you'll argue. 'We get ill and we need time off.'

The HR rep will explain that the accrual of sick days works for most employees and you just happen to be unique. 'Three comas in one six-month period can really chew up your bank of days,' she'll say. 'Perhaps if you were more careful?'

'What the hell is that supposed to mean?' you'll ask.

The rep will close her mouth up tight and she'll keep her eyes on your file.

'You knew what I did when I started working here and you said your firm was very supportive of admin employees pursuing other careers.'

'We didn't realize the toll your craft would take on your job performance,' she'll say. 'I admit when you told us you were a daredevil I just thought you were some kind of 'bad boy' magician, or that you went out on the weekends and drank horse semen or something. I didn't know you'd spend every Saturday intentionally setting yourself on fire.'

'What about all the actors and singers who leave for auditions every day?' you'll ask.

'Actors and singers don't have eleven hospital stays a year,' she'll say. 'Do you know that you've single-handedly drained our condolences budget? All those get well baskets we sent you cleaned us out. If any of your coworkers has a death in the family they're not getting any flowers, thanks to you.'

You'll fight it out some more, explaining to her that the firm should be happy to have people with diverse interests on the staff. She'll counter that some clients have remarked on having to stare at the second-degree burns all over your face and how it makes them very uncomfortable while in the waiting room, especially when the bandages have just been removed and all of the wounds are still damp. You'll challenge her to ask you to quit pursuing your career as daredevil, but she won't fall for it, knowing full well that you could have a lawsuit on your hands if they ever let you go for something you warned them about before they hired you. Instead, she'll say 'Pursue your craft as much as you want. Just don't get injured.' Which she full well knows is damned impossible. Any stunt that you can develop without any injuries is a stunt that's not worth you zipping up your silver jumpsuit. It looks like you're going to have to find a more understanding day job.

You'll go home frustrated as always, intending to drink a lot and complain to your girlfriend about what a long hard road it is to that elusive big break. But when you get home, your girlfriend will be standing next to a packed suitcase. She'll say that her back hurts from having to sleep in a chair in your hospital room all the time and that at first trying to have sex through a body cast was sort of new, but lately it's just been a chore.

Say, 'Everyone is conspiring to make me give up my dream!'

She'll say that she just wants a boyfriend who doesn't lose consciousness for three months out of the year. You'll call her selfish and you'll suggest that maybe she should look into why she needs so much attention. Your girlfriend will tell you to blow yourself, and to remember to set yourself on fire first and videotape it.

Happy You Are An Aspiring Daredevil Day!