Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Boys Against God Day!

You just found out that you and all of your Catholic friends are going to go to hell for touching yourselves. Call an emergency meeting of teenage boys tonight to show the Pope who's boss.

'Gentlemen,' you'll say to the gathering of sixteen Catholic boys, all of them listening to you while playing their PSPs. 'As I'm sure you've been made aware, the Catholic Church has long held firm that boys who masturbate are condemned to an eternity in the deepest bowels of hell.'

One of the boys will raise his hand to speak. You'll open the floor to him. The boy will stand up and say, 'You said held firm.' The other boys will laugh, as will you, because it's funny.

'I move that that front door be locked to the outside and that we as a group hold a Masturbate-In, and that we send a message to Rome with marathon of onanism that we will not be deterred from our natural inclination to touch ourselves every time we're behind a door that locks or is at least creaky enough to let us know when someone is coming inside. To your corners!'

The teenage boys will all lift one fist and shout 'Yeah!' before moving to various more secluded parts of the room to masturbate. One of the boys will have a dirty game on his PSP that he will watch and then pass around the room. The game has naked women in it but they're all wearing bulletproof helmets. It's unbelievably hot.

Soon news of your protest will spread throughout the town, and it won't be long before its on CNN. The Pope will issue a statement that is translated to mean, 'The Vatican regrets that these boys feel the need to be so disgusting, and hopes they return home to their parents soon.' The local police will want to take action before the Feds take control, so they'll shoot tear gas into the meeting hall. Unfortunately, they won't know how much to use and at least half of the boys inside will die from too much gas. The event will appear on magazine covers for weeks with the question, 'Teen Horniness and Religion: A Lethal Mix.' For years and years after the event, little boys who are caught masturbating will be told by their parents that they'd better stop unless they want to be gassed.

Happy Boys Against God Day!