Thursday, October 05, 2006

Go To Your Nearest Sprint/Nextel Store And Bust Up A Human Trafficking Ring Day!

In the back of every Sprint/Nextel store you'll find about ten girls under the age of fifteen who have either been kidnapped or sold into prostitution. No one wants to do anything about it though because they all still have eight months left in their contracts. Also, Sprint/Nextel representatives have no qualms about locking the girls in the building and setting the place on fire anytime it looks like the police or a vigilante is about to bust in and try to set the girls free. It's how they were trained, so you're going to have to be sneaky about this.

Go into the Sprint store pretending to be an ordinary customer. Just say, 'Everything about the service you provide is terrible and you don't seem to know anything about how telephones work.' No one ever walks into a Sprint/Nextel store without saying this verbatim, so make sure to memorize it. The Sprint/Nextel representative will offer to replace your terrible phone with one that's worse. That's when you should fire your rifle into the ceiling. Don't bother taking the representative hostage in exchange for the girls. Sprint/Nextel cares as little about the people who make them money selling phones as they do about the girls who make them money as enslaved prostitutes.

Aim your rifle at the other Sprint/Nextel representatives. They'll beg that you kill them because once a Sprint/Nextel retail branch is compromised by a vigilante, death is far more palatable than the punishment that Sprint/Nextel will unleash on their employees. Grab the nearest rep and yank the key to the back from around his neck, then burst through the doors to storeroom/makeshift brothel.

You'll see a few shelves of terrible phones and a narrow row of cots supporting enslaved teenage girls underneath obese tourists still wearing their Izod shirts but without any shorts to tuck them into. One of the Sprint/Nextel representatives keeping watch over the girls will grab some matches to try to set the store on fire with everyone inside. Grab the cooler full of ice (for sodas and bruises) and unload it on the rep and his matches. The other Sprint/Nextel reps will beg that you shoot them, screaming, 'Sprint/Nextel made us do it. They make lots of money from selling terrible phones, but they keep this human trafficking ring going just for fun! Sprint/Nextel just wants to see which they're better at, telecommunications or human trafficking! You don't know what they'll do to us when they find out that we allowed the innocent teenage girls Sprint/Nextel enslaved to be rescued. Please kill us!'

Don't kill them. Just start rolling the pants-less obese tourists off of the girls and get the girls dressed. Then lead them in a single file line out the store, which might already be on fire so be careful. Once you're free, you and the girls have to get someplace where Sprint/Nextel doesn't provide service, which will probably take about ten minutes to find. They can't track you if they're forced to go analog.

But stay hidden. Sprint/Nextel will make it their priority to hunt you down and make you pay. Sprint/Nextel loves forcing teenage girls into prostitution (it makes Sprint/Nextel feel young, like T-Mobile) and they can't stand when someone gets in their way. You don't know what Sprint/Nextel is capable of, but it's not running a phone company if you get my drift (it's human trafficking, torture, and maiming the spirit of a consumer society).

Happy Go To Your Nearest Sprint/Nextel Store And Bust Up A Human Trafficking Ring Day!