Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Seek Investors Day!

That's your last pair of panties. When you finally peel them off after wearing them during your morning run and while cleaning behind your refrigerator, as was requested, and you carefully fold the pair into a neat triangle, wrap it in tissue paper, and seal it inside the pre-addressed, postage-paid envelope, you will officially be on the brink of bankruptcy.

You can only blame a poorly conceived business model. By guaranteeing that no one but you will wear the underwear, and that while wearing the underwear you will engage in two physical activities selected from a menu of over thirty (which, besides 'jogging' and 'cleaning behind the refrigerator' includes such perspiration-friendly activities as 'helping a friend move,' 'sitting on an un-air-conditioned bus ride for six hours,' and of course, the very popular 'masturbating with your underwear still on'), and promising that each subscriber will receive two pairs of pre-worn underwear every month for just $19.95 recurring, you pretty much made it impossible to earn more than eighty bucks a day before expenses. And to generate that much revenue you can expect to not get more than two or three hours of sleep a night.

You really should have thought through the activity list a little more. Options like 'wear the underwear while riding a see-saw' and 'wear the underwear while hunting through a grocery store's dairy section until you find the carton with the most recent expiration date' were relatively practical as far as time-restraints go. Unlike, 'wear the underwear while watching Krzysztof Kieslowski's Red, White and Blue trilogy' which is about six hours long, or 'wear the underwear in Cincinnati' which is about eight hours away by car.

The key to a successful subscription-only mail-away pre-worn underwear service is volume. An increasing subscription base against decreasing operation costs equals profit. Though your target demographic (people who have seen online photographs of you wearing underwear who would like you to remove the underwear you are wearing and mail it to them) is huge, your commitment to providing a 'Premium Mail-Away Pre-Worn Underwear Service Experience' to the consumer has forced you to limit your maximum subscriber base to no more than fifty people, tops.

And you're even starting to lose subscribers. The complaint emails have been pouring in.

'I specifically requested that you wear the underwear while accosting a young mother for slapping her son in public, but the underwear I received clearly smells like it was worn while you were applying for a street performance license. I want my money back, fraud!'

The fact is, your business is not sustainable. You have to draw up a revised business plan that includes more practical underwear-clad activities and a staff of models from which the subscriber may choose. The digital age is about choice after all, and your decision to guarantee that you will be the only person to ever wear the underwear that is sent to the subscriber reflects only on your vanity and not on your desire to maximize the subscriber experience. Draw up your business plan and then arrange a meeting with Sequoia. You need to buy another twelve-pack of cotton panties to get through the week, and you're not going to be able to do that unless you secure at least eight bucks in venture capital.

Happy Seek Investors Day!