Monday, October 30, 2006

Wear A Wire Day!

The police found out that you smoke marijuana (there are cameras everywhere, just like you always said). They made you a deal: you wear a wire and help them catch your dealer, or you go to jail for twenty years.

You'll talk it over with your wife. 'They told me that if I go to jail, they'll talk to some inmates and make sure that my jail-time is really hard on me. Lots of teasing, they said.'

Your wife will tell you that in jail, teasing means that when they come into your cell to rape you, they let you run around and beg and plead for them not to do it first. It tires you out and they feel like it makes the whole affair a little more romantic.

You'll run it by your boss (you are the Chief Financial Officer of Prudential Securities). 'If I don't wear this wire during a drug buy, I'd have to take a pretty long leave of absence. I was wondering, is there any kind of jail-time compensation? Because if not, there really should be. I mean it sends a bad message if the company doesn't take care of anybody unless they get knocked up first. It's like you're condoning unsafe sex.'

Your boss will tell you that you need to talk to HR. 'Let me know what you find out,' he'll say. 'And if you decide to wear the wire, break a leg.'

Finally, you'll ask your daughter's teachers when you pick her up from school. Your daughter's teachers all have a big crush on you because you're rich and you seem to care for your child. They'll tell you to wear the wire. 'They're the police,' your daughter's teachers will say. 'Do what they tell you. The police are good.'

You'll agree to wear the wire tonight when you go to your drug dealer's house. She's a neighbor, an older woman who grows pot in her basement. At first the visit will go like normal. You'll sit down for some crackers and a beer. You'll talk about how your daughter's doing in school and she'll talk about hers. (Your daughters play together sometimes.) You'll talk about politics for a little bit, then you'll look at your watch and you'll ask her if you can buy the pot you came to buy. When she says yes, policemen will fly through her windows and doors and shoot her until her head's gone. For as long as you live, you'll never be able to smoke up without remembering her fondly.

Happy Wear A Wire Day!