Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Your Husband Is A Witch Doctor Day!

Your husband is prolific in the voodoo arts, which is pretty cool. Except that you like to sleep around and whenever he finds out you're cheating he always turns the man you're cheating with into something terrifying, usually while you're making love. The last time it happened you were having sex in a motel with a real estate broker and everything was going great. Then all of a sudden the broker turned into a giant squawking falcon and he crashed through the window of the motel room and soared off into the sky. Another time you were having sex with a plumber and he was on top of you and he turned into a ripped up sack full of spiders. AND THERE WAS THAT ONE REALLY SCARY TIME when that bartender transmogrified into the shape of your husband. So you started calling him by your husband's name and asking him, 'Is that you?' He kept saying no. Then he went and looked in a mirror and he realized what he'd become and he ran away screaming, which was cool because you lost interest immediately as soon as he looked like your husband. Except that one was the worst because now whenever you see your husband on the street you're afraid to acknowledge him for fear that it's just that bartender again. You still to this day can't talk to your husband without first asking him some questions that only he would know the answers to.

All of this should have turned you off of cheating forever, but you just can't get enough. Tonight you're going to meet the remodeler that is designing your new master bathroom for a tryst at an apartment he keeps in the city so that he can have affairs with his clients. He'll be really good in bed until your husband turns him into a whole big pile of underfed human babies. Slide out from underneath the babies and tuck them into bed, then race home to ask your husband who the hell he expects to finish the master bathroom now. Your husband won't be able to answer because he'll be laughing too hard at the stain on your blouse from where one of the babies spit up earlier.

Happy Your Husband Is A Witch Doctor Day!