Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Coed Jail Cell Day!

You put in for a spot in one of the new coed jail cells about eight months ago, and your number finally came up. Today you're going to move into your brand new cell, which you'll be sharing with your brand new cellmate, Janice. Janice is in jail for drowning all her kids in a bathtub. You're in jail for chopping up your super.

At first, you'll be disappointed because you and Janice won't really feel any kind of erotic spark. You'll become friends and you'll talk to each other constantly, since you'll be locked in a jail cell together. Eventually you'll be kind of the will-they-won't-they couple of your cell block. Everyone will be like, 'They spend all of their time together in that cell. Are you kidding me?'

It'll finally happen on the day of Janice's parole board hearing. She'll come back in tears, having been denied yet again. She'll talk about how no one likes her because she hasn't fully rehabilitated yet and you'll reassure her that she's great and just because no one can see all the wonderful that you can see, that's their loss. Janice will lean over and kiss you and you'll do it.

It will be awkward for the next eight to fourteen months. Janice will ask whether you regret sleeping with her and you'll say that it's just weird because you're supposed to be cellmates, not lovers. Janice will tell you to go suck off some white supremacists like you're used to and you'll say, 'Those guys meant nothing! It was rape!' She'll cry and she'll say that maybe she should just transfer back to a women's cell.

Her transfer will go through and on the day that she's supposed to leave, you'll finally get up the nerve to tell her that you love her and that you want to be her cellmate forever. She'll drop her stuff and run into your arms and you and she will start to do it. Then the guards will pull you two away from each other and drag Janice to her new cell because those are the orders. You'll be killed the following week when you have an accident on the weight bench that causes you to accidentally get repeatedly pummeled in the head with a 45-pound dumbbell. Janice will try to mourn you but she'll feel it takes away from mourning the kids she drowned, so she'll stop.

Happy Coed Jail Cell Day!