Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Dead Rise And Walk Again Day!

You live above a funeral home and you've always had a silly fear that one day the dead bodies downstairs are just going to climb out of their coffins and head up the stairwell to your apartment. Starting today, you won't have to feel so silly anymore because a road crew is going to crack open a long-forgotten gas pipe deep under the street and a strange gas compound will leak into the funeral home. When the gas reaches the dead, they'll get up out of their coffins just like they were waking up and going to work. Except instead of heading out to an office, they'll all go straight for the stairwell.

You'll know it's happening when you hear the screaming out on the street. You'll look out the window to find that morning's black-clad funeral party pouring outside and clutching at each other in terror. They'll be peering in through the doors to see if their beloved recently deceased will come trudging out after them to eat all their brains. That's when you'll hear the footsteps on the stairs.

The steps will be loud and slow and it will be clear more than one dead body is on the way up. At least three. The funeral home has three viewing rooms and they're almost always occupied.

In a panic you'll grab a frying pan and a steak knife and hide behind your couch. The footsteps will grow louder and louder until they stop outside your apartment and the dead start pounding on the door.

You'll scream for them to go away, but they'll keep pounding until they burst through the door and start looking around the place. You'll stay hidden behind the couch while the three dead men in funeral suits check out how many rooms you have and what the view is like. When they start looking through your kitchen cabinets, you'll launch yourself out onto the fire escape and tumble down the metal steps to the street.

On the street, friends and family members of the dead men in your apartment will ask you what you saw. You'll tell them that their loved ones are upstairs rooting through your apartment and that they aren't exactly alive. You'll say that it looks like a hellish energy has invigorated their loved ones' bodies and caused them to walk again.

One by one, the bereaved will climb the fire escape to get a peek at the terrifying supernatural display. As they return to the street, they'll report to the others that the dead are sitting on your couch or playing your CDs or just flipping through your magazines with their feet on your coffee table. They'll all come down the stairs crying for having seen their beloved walking once again. They'll report that the dead men are very pale and they only have blood red marbles for eyes, so it's not exactly like the old days. But the haircuts are still the same.

You'll make the suggestion that the police be called to shoot into the heads of the walking dead until their skulls explode. It's what you've read is necessary. But the bereaved won't have it. They'll offer to chip in and set you up in a sweet new apartment, fully furnished with a new wardrobe and everything, if you'll only allow their undead loved ones to continue to kick back in your apartment for the rest of their undead lives. Take them up on it. Make them sign papers promising their side of the bargain before your landlord finds out that you're subletting and nixes the deal.

Happy The Dead Rise And Walk Again Day!