Thursday, September 14, 2006

Frank's New Corvette Day!

You're really cheesed about Frank's new Corvette.

'Where's that guy get off buying a new Corvette?' you say, peeking through the blinds at Frank while he polishes the paint job before heading off to work. He woke up at 5AM this morning and started polishing. He hasn't stopped since. He kind of whispers stuff to the car while he does it.

'Where do you get off trading in a 1982 Caprice for a 1990 Civic?' your wife asks from behind her corn flakes. You turn away from the window and address her.

'You don't like my car, whyn't you take your corn flakes and eat 'em in Frank's kitchen? Go on!'

Your wife gets up and carries her corn flakes out the front door. You watch her cross the street in her sheer pink nightgown. She stops and says something to Frank. They both look back at your house and laugh for a second. Then your wife goes into Frank's house. Frank resumes polishing his new Corvette.

'Ain't that something?' you say to nobody.

Not a minute later you watch Lucy Cohn from two doors down walk across the street in a long tee shirt and slippers. She carries a plate of waffles. She stops and says something to Frank, and they both look back at her house, where Rodney Cohn is no doubt watching through his blinds. They laugh for a second, then Lucy Cohn wanders into Frank's house to finish her breakfast alongside your wife and whatever other number of wives have given up their husbands and families to have breakfast in the house of a new Corvette owner.

Take off from work today and post flyers around the neighborhood that ask: 'Is Your Wife In Frank's House? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!' Then post your address and a time for all the men in the neighborhood to come over and talk about how to get their wives to leave Frank's house.

Order 200 wings from Firebird's so that there's something for everyone to eat. After the wings, open the floor to suggestions for how to get your wives to come out of Frank's house. Someone will suggest that you all go across the street and destroy Frank's new Corvette with hammers, and no one will suggest anything else so that's what you'll do.

Frank will come running out to try and stop you, so one of you will hit him in the head with a hammer and knock him unconscious (he won't die!). Once the car is destroyed, all the wives in the neighborhood will come pouring out of Frank's house and they'll run into the arms of their husbands and kiss all of you. Back at home, the wives will complain that Frank did not have any premium cable channels, and to show how happy they are to be back in their houses with the cable packages that they have honed down to perfection after years of TV watching, the wives will have sex with their husbands.

Happy Frank's New Corvette Day!