Friday, September 01, 2006

Goldfish Heaven Day!

Your daughter's really curious about what goes on in Goldfish Heaven.

'I've never been there I told ya!' you keep bellowing at her. 'It's for dead goldfish! How the hell would I ever have been there for Christ's sake?' You drink a lot.

Your daughter is curious because you told her that her dead goldfish, Moriarty, went to Goldfish Heaven when you accidentally dropped that lamp in his fishbowl. She just wants to make sure Goldfish Heaven is cool. Send her to her priest.

'The book says that Goldfish Heaven rewards a goldfish with all the glory that God has to offer, assuming of course that the goldfish who passed is worthy of such glories,' Father Martin will say to your daughter.

'Which book?' you daughter will ask. Father Martin will show her the book. It's a novelization of the movie Splash.

'What does a goldfish have to do to be worthy?' your daughter will ask him.

'Pretty much the same as a human. No killing. No stealing or being mean to his parents. No check fraud or forgeries of any kind. That includes not worshiping any Gods but God.'

Your daughter will say, 'Uh oh.'

When you bought your daughter the fish tank, you decorated it with a little castle, some seashells, and a little figurine depicting the sun god, Ra.

'It's what I believe in!' you'll shout at your daughter when she confronts you. 'I didn't know you'd find your way to the catholic church! I just wanted my daughter's goldfish to be raised the way my parents raised me!'

'Well now Moriarty is in Goldfish hell,' your daughter will say.

'What's that like?' you'll ask.

'Father Martin says it's just like human hell. Except only the littlest demons are allowed to do the raping on account of goldfish being so small.'

'What have I done?' you'll lament.

Your daughter will say, 'Buy me a hamster.'

Late tonight, go and buy her a hamster. Allow her to teach it whatever she wishes it to know. You don't want another creature's eternity in your hands.

Happy Goldfish Heaven Day!