Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Torn ACL Day!

Today you're going to tear your ACL and ruin your chance of ever getting into college on a football scholarship. Scouts have been watching your every move last year and you were pretty much guaranteed to have your pick of the top schools. Once you tear that ACL though, you'll pretty much be guaranteed to stay in your town where there's a Dairy Queen and fix cars for the rest of your life.

'Why'd God do this to me Padre?' you'll ask the nosey Priest who's going to nudge his way into your hospital room and ask if he can listen to you talk about your very private pain.

'I guess he's got some stuff he wants you to do here in town,' the Priest will say. 'I know it's a shame that you were probably going to be really rich and experience lots of carnal rubbing with girls. But apparently God figures it's more important that you fix cars.'

'Hey,' you'll say. 'Maybe one day the president will come through town and his car will break down and my fixing it will guarantee that he'll get to Washington in time to make important new laws that God wants made.'

'Yeah that'll happen,' the Priest will chuckle. Then he'll walk out of your room and tell the nurses at the front desk to get a load of what you just said to him.

As it turns out, the reason God wanted you to tear your ACL was because if you went to college you would have joined a fraternity and built a 'panty cannon,' a firearm that shoots piles of panties up in the air so that it can look like panties are raining from the sky, which is something that is beautiful. One day you would have aimed the panty cannon at the sorority house from which you stole the pairs of panties during a break-in earlier in the weekend. You would have shouted for all of the sorority sisters to come outside to get their panties back (they were looking for them). Then you would have fired the panty cannon, but the weapon would have malfunctioned and all of the panties would have caught fire and the sorority sisters would have been blanketed with a barrage of burning underwear. One of the sorority sisters in question is the woman who will one day invent a pill that restores the memories of people who are suffering from amnesia. Had you gone to college and fired that malfunctioning panty cannon, she would have looked away from the sky too late and her eyes would have been burned out of her sockets. Instead of finishing college and going into science, she would have started drinking and she would have died before she was thirty-five. So basically, God had no choice but to ruin your football career in order to keep you from building that horrid panty cannon. It was for the sake of ridding the world of amnesia, and therefore, restoring some more compelling plot lines to God's favorite Soaps (Passions, OLTL).

Happy Torn ACL Day!