Today your son is going to announce to you that he's marrying the middle school teacher who had sex with him twenty four times when he was in her seventh grade homeroom class. She finishes her nine-year prison term for statutory rape this month, and he's already rented a place for them to live.
'I only wish Dad was still around to see this,' he'll say. 'Maybe I should track him down.'
Tell him you think it's a bad idea for him to marry a woman who's probably a bit unstable, considering that she likes to have sex with schoolchildren.
'It was love, Mom,' he'll say. 'Age doesn't matter when two people are in love.'
Ask him if she also loved David Patterson.
'She didn't have sex with him,' he'll say. 'The DA got Davey to say that just to make sure she went to jail.'
Mention that Davey's DNA was still inside her. The matter of the DNA always pisses your son off because they found no trace of your son's DNA when Evelyn consented to a culture being taken of her vagina. That means right before she got caught, she ran to Davey for one last night. Your son refuses to accept this.
'You're just jealous because Evelyn has found love and you haven't been with a single man since Dad left,' he'll say.
Stay calm and tell him that you just want what's best for him.
'Or maybe you want me all to yourself?' he'll say, nearly to the point of tears. 'Is that why you say these things? Sorry Mom, but you're too old for me.'
Evelyn's forty-eight. You're fifty-five. Tell your son to get out of the house and to never come back.
Happy Your Son Is Marrying The Wrong Girl Day!