Monday, June 26, 2006

Underwear Party Day!

Because your Makeout Parties always seem to cause more heartbreak than hot husband-on-wife action, you've been holding weekly underwear parties for two and a half years now. It's the one appointment that everyone in the neighborhood wants to keep. Whenever a new couple moves in, they're invited to the underwear party with the promise of meeting everyone in the neighborhood 'because that's where you're guaranteed to find them.' It's served as a kind of informal town council meeting hall where everyone can discuss issues that are facing the neighborhood, such as the promise of a nearby Home Depot, or drainage concerns. But more than anything, it's the place to share some gossip. If someone's husband gets dragged away by the cops in the middle of the night for a domestic disturbance complaint, or if someone's wife checked herself into a hospital again, on Monday night everyone in the neighborhood is gonna come to your living room, strip down to their underwear, and dish.

Tonight's Underwear Party is going to be the first one since word spread around the neighborhood that the Randolph kid brought a gun to school and shot another kid in the hip (no one knows the other kid). The Randolphs won't show up, which will give everyone else the opportunity to stir up each other's emotions until they're all just an angry mob (albeit in their underwear).

Keith Martin, in a wife-beater tee and white fruit of the loom briefs, will shout at the rest of you, 'That kid put my kid in danger and as far as I'm concerned it's the parents fault. What were Matt and Wendy thinking keeping a gun in the house?'

Leslie Josephs will stand up and say, 'This all just makes me feel so helpless. What can I do to protect my son if another child can bring a gun to his school and start shooting. I mean in his school!' Leslie will be wearing her light blue string hipped bikini panties and matching underwire bra. There will be an onion dip stain on her bra's left cup.

In no top and a pair of Philadelphia Eagles boxer shorts, Nicolas Horowitz will say in a very calm voice, 'There is more and more that we can't control nowadays. We just have to be more aggressive in the areas where we still have control.'

Richard Coleman, in a pair of Calvin Klein boxer-briefs that hug his toned calves, will snort at Nicolas, 'You mean stricter bedtimes? No ice cream until homework's done? A kid was shot you clown!' Richard Coleman's boxer-briefs will be tight enough to reveal his burgeoning soft-on.

Anna Horowitz will stand up in her black negligee and say to her husband, 'He's right Nick. We can't just try to be good parents and keep hoping every other parent will do the same.'

The recently divorced Michelle Farnham, formerly Michelle Holtsman, will wave her vodka gimlet in the air, spilling some on her fire engine red thong and red see-through bra, and she'll bellow, 'Maybe we oughta tell it to those Randolphs instead of yapping about it to each other all night?'

'Easy for you to say,' Keith Martin will tell her. 'Rob's raising your Janeane. What do you have to worry about?'

At every underwear party since Rob and Michelle's divorce, someone has had to be cruel to quiet Michelle down after she's had too many drinks.

'She's got a point,' Colleen DeVinney will say. Colleen will be wearing her nursing bra, her little Deborah feeding while she speaks. 'I think we should discuss this with the Randolphs.'

Richard Coleman will shout, 'Let's do it. Let's go over there right now and ask them what the hell they think they're doing with that kid.'

And so your Underwear Party will come to a close when all of your guests form an angry mob and march through the streets of your neighborhood. Luckily, they'll have forgotten to put on any clothes over their underwear, so they'll be stopped after only a couple of blocks by a squad car. The policemen will give them all tickets for neighborhood-wide indecent exposure.

Happy Underwear Party Day!