Friday, June 23, 2006

The Couple That's Impaled Together Day!

Today you are a homicide detective and you'll be called to the apartment of Dougie and Dani Deitler, who will have been discovered to have been impaled by a large pipe that slipped loose from the scaffold across the street and sailed into their window to pin them both, Doug atop Wendy, to the bed where they loved, straight through both their hearts.

'Don't know why they called you Lieutenant,' the flatfoot will say. 'Just a dumb accident.'

You'll examine the shattered window for the entry point of the pipe. You'll check the paint on the pipe for any distinguishing markings. And then you'll look around for some slippers.

'She's on the wrong side of the bed,' you'll tell the flatfoot.


You'll point to the nightstand nearest the flatfoot, who is on the side of the bed where the two bodies are pinned, Dani on her back. Underneath that nightstand is a pair of men's slippers. Dougie's.

'The girl's are over here,' you'll tell him.

'What was she doing on the wrong side of the bed?' the flatfoot will ask.

Ask the flatfoot if he's ever been in love.

'I ain't a fag,' he'll say.

Tell him you've been in love and being a fag ain't had nothing to do with it. 'Comes a point in every true love kind of situation where both parties decide that their love for each other is so all-consuming and crippling that they can't bare to be forced from their bed again to go outside and earn money or attend continuing education classes. For most couples, the moment passes and they put on their shoes and begin their commutes. Others take action.'

The flatfoot will move to the window and study the construction site across the street, searching for where Dougie's access would have been.

'So why would he go to the trouble to rig a pipe to come loose and sail across the street?' the flatfoot will ask. 'Why not just take a bunch of pills together?'

'Look around you,' say. 'These two got parents. People who care for them. More comforting for them if it can look like a tragic accident than that these two chose to end it all. So Dougie climbed up across the street and loosened some pipe so that when the first hardhat started rattling away up there the following morning, it would send that thing flying like a javenlin straight for their window. Dougie threw himself on top of Dani, or perhaps they were making love, waiting for the blow, and they died the way they lived, with their hearts bleeding into each other.'

'You sure are one hell of a detective, chief,' the flatfoot will tell you.

'I sure am,' tell the flatfoot. You and the flatfoot will pull a blanket up over Dougie and Dani and make your way back to the station to put a dent in that goddamn paperwork.

Across the street, high atop the construction site, a lonely hardhat will watch you and your flatfoot as you close the case. He'll search for some hint of relief in his belly, but all he'll want to do is throw up. He knew he had to do it. That building is scheduled for completion in another eighteen months. He could not go on watching that beautiful couple celebrate the fact that they've found each other for even one more day, let alone another eighteen months. So he waited for when they began their morning lovemaking, when Dani slid towards Dougie and Dougie climbed atop her body, and he set loose the pipe. He's only glad that they died with their hearts pinned together, the way they'd certainly hoped to die. And he's glad that he's probably not going to get caught because he needs this job. If he's going to keep active on the dating scene, searching for the Dani to his Dougie who will finally lift him from this loneliness, he's going to need a steady paycheck so he can pay for drinks and movie tickets.

Happy The Couple That's Impaled Together Day!