Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Once And Future Tire King Day!

Today your 26-year reign as the Tire King of the five mile auto strip down by the airport will come to an end when assassins sent by the leader of Tire City (4826 West Airport Blvd, 8am ' 7:30 PM, Tues-Sun) will storm your kingdom and saw your head from your neck. They'll leave your body for your subjects (the illegals in the garage) to bury. Your head will return to Tire City and will be impaled upon a tall, steel spike visible from the road, right next to the giant inflating man who looks like he's dancing in the wind.

Yours was a Tire Kingdom ruled with grace and wisdom. History will treat your reign with affection. But no tire throne is eternal. The more beautiful the Tire Kingdom, the more freedom its subjects are given, and the more likely it is that those subjects will rise up and spill the blood of their Tire King. A Tire Kingdom at its most glorious is always at its most vulnerable, as no one would ever wish to take over a Tire Kingdom that is foundering. Too much work.

Your Tire Queen will be given the chance to stay alive, should she choose to sit as Queen beside the new Tire King (Felix Kopitzky, proprietor of Tire City). She will accept his offer, which will send your son Chad (the Tire Prince) into a state of maddening melancholy. He won't murder his new step-father, however. He'll just go to college and do quite poorly, then move back home with his mother and step-father (King Felix) and live on an allowance well into his thirties.

Happy The Once And Future Tire King Day!