Friday, June 16, 2006

The Sommelier Has A Chiraz That Will Make Your Husband Attractive Day!

You and your husband are hilarious and you love to involve everyone around you in your hilarious repartee. Especially at restaurants. As far as you're concerned, waiters and waitresses simply cannot get enough of you. Like when they show you the dessert menu and you say, 'We'll take two of everything!' Or when they ask if they can start you off with a drink and your husband points to you and says, 'You can start her off with five!' Or when they ask you if you'd like to hear the specials and you say about your husband, 'He deserves nothing special. Nothing!' They never laugh out loud at that one, but they listen attentively and they seem to enjoy it.

Tonight you'll eat at that new French place and when the Sommelier comes by and asks if you have any questions about the wine selection, your husband will ask, 'Do you have a Cabernet that will make her jokes funny?'

You and your husband will laugh hysterically. The Sommelier will think for a second, then he'll say, 'No, not a Cabernet. No.'

You'll jump in with, 'Hey, do you have a Merlot that'll make him tolerable?'

This will crack you and your husband up. The Sommelier will consider your question, then he'll say, 'I'm afraid not, no. But I do have a Chiraz that will make him attractive.'

You and your husband will laugh at that because you love it when the staff joins in. The Sommelier will not laugh with you however. Your laughter will eventually fade, and the Sommelier will be waiting for your decision.

Say, 'We'll try that, yes.'

Your husband will say, 'Honey.'

Tell him it's worth a shot.

The Sommelier will return and pour just a little for you to taste. You'll drink the sip and consider the taste. 'Very nice, thank you,' you'll say. The Sommelier will pour a glass for your husband, then he'll fill your glass and the two of you will drink.

As you drink your glass to the bottom, your husband will suddenly seem very self-assured and a little leaner in the face. He'll grow a little more appealing with every sip you take. All those years of compromise and side-stepping will lift from his demeanor and he'll seem hopeful and direct. Perhaps it will just be a trick of the light, but the roundness of his shoulders will appear to be much more defined, and that vulgar grin will suddenly appear to be a knowing smirk.

When the Sommelier passes you'll grab his shirt and demand, 'Tell me where I can buy this wine.'

He'll give you a card for a wine shop in town that carries it. Later that night you'll go home, you'll throw your husband on the bed, and you'll have him. The next day you'll go to that wine shop and buy yourself three cases of that Chiraz.

Curiously, the wine will not have the effect on you that it had in the restaurant. You'll drink more and more of it, trying to recapture that attraction you felt for your husband, but it just won't come back. He'll remain the same man you've been contentedly married to all these years, except he'll grow a little testy with you because you'll have developed a pretty serious drinking problem after not too long. He'll demand that you stop drinking the Chiraz and accept him for who he is. In a last ditch effort you'll return to the restaurant and confront the Sommelier.

'It's not working,' tell him. 'I'm drinking it every night and every day but he's not getting any more attractive. Why did it work in here and it won't work at home?'

'Is your husband drinking it?' the Sommelier will ask. You'll have been pretty drunk most of the time, but as best you can remember it was pretty much only you who drank the majority of those three cases over the previous month and a half.

'The wine has no effect on you, Madam,' he'll say. 'It is your husband who must drink. The change occurs within his person, not in your perception.'

You'll rush home and start pouring the Chiraz down your husband's throat. He'll protest at first, but once the first few sips go down and he sees how much you're suddenly smitten with him, he'll drink of his own volition. And he'll keep drinking. To keep that sparkle in your eye when you look his way, to keep you hungry for him, he'll drink wine all day and night. He might start missing work and he'll eventually grow very sick, but as long as that wine continues to be bottled he won't stop pouring glass after wonderful glass. If it makes him the man you want him to be, he'll drink himself into his grave.

Happy The Sommelier Has A Chiraz That Will Make Your Husband Attractive Day!