Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Pregnant Face Day!

Tonight at dinner your son Billy is going to tell you that his Sophomore Formal is coming up but that he's not going because he doesn't want to ask any of the stupid girls in his grade to go with him. Your wife will ask him what about Margaret Ryan, the girl from down the block that Billy used to play with when he was five.

Billy will say, 'You mean Pregnant Face!'

Your wife will flip out on Billy, telling him he shouldn't say mean things like that about people. 'You invite Margaret to that dance. You'd be lucky if she says yes,' your wife will say. You'll think this is a little pushy, but you'll allow it.

'But Mom,' Billy will whine. 'Margaret's always pregnant. She'll probably give birth right there at the dance and everyone will think it's mine!'

Your wife will tell Billy that just because a girl gets pregnant a lot that's no means by which to judge her. 'And since when do you care so much about what other people think anyway? What is it to you whose kid they think is yours?'

Interject to explain to your wife that it could be problematic for a sophomore in high school to be perceived to be a father, especially to a girl who gets pregnant so often she carries the nickname Pregnant Face.

'There was a girl like that in my school when I was growing up,' tell your wife. 'Her name was Winnifred, but we all called her 'Winny With-Child' Pronounced like 'Rothchild.' No one ever wanted to go out on dates with her because of the stigma attached.'

Your wife will ask, 'Then how'd she keep getting pregnant?'

You won't have an answer to that. Your wife will tell you that you are weak and that nothing has changed between the two of you, that she's still going to be gone by the end of the month.

'But that doesn't mean I'll stop raising my son,' she'll shout. 'And you'll not turn him against me.'

You don't want your wife to feel threatened during this precarious time, so after your son runs up to his room to mope, follow him up there and encourage him to take that pregnant girl to the dance to make his mother feel good. Tell him, 'If she delivers at the dance and any gets on your shoes, I'll pay.'

Happy Pregnant Face Day!