The last time you took a leave of absence from work, your coworkers decorated your cubicle by covering it in dot matrix printer paper. It was hilarious. Today's the day to dish out some payback.
For Mary's cubicle, you should hang pictures of Brad Pitt everywhere because she really likes Brad Pitt. Except you should only use full-body shots of Brad Pitt walking so that you can photoshop Mary into the pictures and make it look like she's being trampled under Brad Pitt's shoes. So when it's a picture of Brad Pitt holding Maddox while walking out of Fred Siegel, there on the ground will be Mary contorted under Brad's feet with some blood puddling near her head. Also, smear a little dollop of your ejaculate on her phone receiver. She'll never know, but you will!
Phyllis likes to play Sudoku at her desk during the slower hours, which means she loves numbers. So you should just magic marker the number 4 onto every surface of her desk and cubicle walls, until she'll be able to spend her day feeling like the number 4 is a kind of aggressive insect and there is a horde of them that is about to swarm about her and fill up her lungs and her pants legs. Sudoku lovers know how funny this is. One other funny thing you could do to Phyllis' cube is you could smear a little dollop of your ejaculate on her stapler. Every time you hear that stapler clack shut, you'll start laughing and she won't even know why.
Kevin is the guy who gets the cakes for everyone's birthday, so just cover his cube in pictures of the twin towers falling. A dollop of your ejaculate on his computer mouse would be a nice finishing touch.
Matt is your boss. You think that Matt looks like KD Lang, so you should pay KD Lang to come in early and sit at Matt's desk. When Matt comes in he'll say, 'Hey, you're KD Lang.' Pay KD Lang to say, 'No I'm not. I'm Matt the bossman. Look at me everybody. I'm Matt the boss! Hey you, you're not a good worker. And you, get me those work materials!' If she does it fast, this should only cost you $40,000. But everyone will be laughing so hard that she might go long and tack on another ten grand. Just before KD Lang leaves, have her throw a bowl of your ejaculate at Matt's face. He won't know it's yours, but he will know that it's ejaculate!
Melissa is the one who rounds up everyone's contribution to the office lotto pool when the lotto jackpot exceeds $100 million, so you should leave some of those burlap money sacks with dollar signs on them on her desk. When she reaches into the bags she'll find only little slips of white paper that read, 'I love you but am shy' because you love Melissa but are afraid to tell her. On just one of the notes, write the words, 'I smeared ejaculate on the handle of your coffee cup.' The only way she'll discover your secret is if she goes through each little slip of paper, cherishing every one, and finds that note. If she never finds it, she is unworthy of your love and deserves to unknowingly touch your ejaculate every morning.
For the rest of the cubes: Raccoons! Or, if you can swing it: Raccoons with little buckets of your ejaculate swinging from straps around their necks so that when they attack your coworkers the little buckets spill everywhere!
Happy Funny Cubicle Pranks Day!