Monday, January 16, 2006

Solitaire Day!

Today, your solitaire game is going to be interrupted when a beautiful woman comes up from behind you and seduces you. The lovemaking will be otherworldly and evidence that she is "the one," and when you sit back down at your kitchen table to continue your game of solitaire a man will pound on your front door. The beautiful woman will tell you that that must be her husband. Open the door and kill him or else he'll kill you first. The beautiful woman will thank you for setting her free. When you sit back down to play solitaire, you'll hear a car skid into a dull thud outside. A boy will be on the ground unable to breath. Run outside and perform a trach. Then go back inside to finish your game of solitaire. Once you've got all four kings laid out, men of science will stop by to ask if you can help them surmount the roadblock they've hit in their breast cancer research. Tweak the numbers and cure breast cancer, then start dropping those cards. Try to get as many down as you can before the beautiful woman tells you she's pregnant with your baby. Then take a break to marry her and raise your family. When the babies are off to college, drop a few more cards before outliving your wife. After she's gone you'll take your time with the game of solitaire, mistakenly thinking that you won't be interrupted again. Then your eldest will get in trouble with the law and you'll have to stand by his side and make statements to reporters. Once he's sentenced, you'll have some grandchildren to babysit. Just keep them away from the kitchen table. You'll only have a couple more months to finish that game before you hit the graveyard. Don't worry if you think you've lost the round. You'll be able to move all the bottom cards up to the aces and back again, pretending it'll make a difference right up to your very last breath.

Happy Solitaire Day!