Friday, May 28, 2004

On To The Bars Day!

Hit the bars tonight. Bring Dave and Joey and tell them to bring some girls. Bring Brad, Johnny, and Frank and tell them to bring some girls. They know girls. Bring Kevin, Lewis, Jeff, Amrit, and Jacques and tell each of them:

"Don't forget. Six girls each."

Six girls each that you don't know. Six girls each who don't know your nickname (The Heater). Six girls each from Kevin, Lewis, Jeff, Amrit, and Jacques equals 30 girls right then and there.

"How can I lose?"

You'll find a way baby. So stack the odds. Invite Theodore. He always has girls. Tell him it would be a good idea if he brought some of them with him.

"The hot ones Theodore. Not Deborah!"

"Ah," Theodore will say. "But Deborah is the most beautiful of all. You just haven't spoken to her long enough to see what depths she possesses. For instance—"

"Shut it Theodore! Her teeth are too big."

"Her teeth," Theodore will say. "Such stark white totems of…"

Hang up on Theodore and hit the online personals. Create a profile so witty and weighed down with obscure pop culture references that no HoneyBabyOne will be able to resist. Check back an hour after the profile posts and only scroll through the replies that have the phrase, "LOVE Your Profile! ROTFL!" in the subject lines.

Still a couple hours before you have to hit the first bar. Call everyone in forty five minutes to see how they're doing with the whole "Corralling Women" project. The two guys who are showing the least incentive should be disinvited. Then, hit the chin up bar. Get those arms into "Feel This Muscle" shape. Tonight's your night.




Happy On To The Bars Day!