Monday, October 20, 2003

The Wart Day!

Today, put Compound W on the wart that's lived on your left index finger knuckle for the past 46 years.

Wait an hour, then start to dig at the base of the wart with a metal nail file. After enough digging, you'll break the seal and you'll be able to get nearer to the belly of the growth. After this point, it's going to start to hurt.

The base of the wart...hang on. You named the wart after the close friend who personifies everything that's wrong with your life. In that, were you a better person you would never call such a terrible fool your friend. Right? Okay, the base of the wart has been dried up and numbed by the Compound W, but the root of the wart was unfortunately untouched by the application because you started digging at it far too early.

It's not your fault. Girls Are Pretty told you to.

So now, you have a wart that's pretty much just resting like a beach ball in a crater right there on your knuckle. With all the digging, what was once a bit unsightly is now downright disgusting. The mound is holding on by just a few sinews of extremely sensitive tissue. Cut it the fuck loose.

You need to shove the rounded blade of the nail file in there. Don't try to slice or dig. Just shove it into the mass like you're pushing through a crowd. The blood should really be flowing now. And you'll be crying and screaming the name of that friend you hate. But just a few more shoves and, though messy, it's out. The wart's gone. 46 years. It's gone. It'll start to grow back immediately.

Happy The Wart Day!