Friday, October 03, 2003

It's the Girls Are Pretty Pumpkin Patch Weekend!

It's October, which means Prettygirl has to go to work. Prettygirl only works around 29 to 30 days a year, all in October, and always dressed as a Scarecrow who walks around saying shit to people buying pumpkins and candy apples at the Old Maid's Pumkin Patch. It pays $6.00 per hour. So Prettygirl really only makes around $700 a year. Anyway, since Prettygirl is going to be at work for around 7 hours a day for the next few days, Friday through Sunday are going up all at once so it can be over and done with for God's sake finally.

Sunday, October 5, 2003

Hold Him Close To You And Don't Let Him Go Day!

Today, if you let go of your boyfriend, he'll die. Literally, if you don't keep your arms wrapped tight around your boyfriend, wrapping yourself up in as much of him as you can, his lungs will fill with bile and he'll stop breathing. And it's not like loosening your grip will open the valves and let just a little bit of bile feed into his lungs, then when you hold him tight again his passages will be all cleared up. No, it's really just like you'll be putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. Basically, if you loosen your grip just enough, and it's unclear how this is measured, but if you give him just enough wiggle room, his lungs will suddenly flood with bile and within three minutes he'll be brain dead. The only way to keep from killing him is to either steadily increase your grip or never waver in how tight you're hugging him.

This is just like Hands On A Hardbody. Except instead of touching the truck you have to hug it nice and tight, and instead of it being a truck you might win, it's the boy you love with all your heart that you might kill.

Happy Hold Him Close To You And Don't Let Him Go Day!

Saturday, October 4, 2003

She's Locked In The Meat Locker Day!

If you're wondering where your girlfriend is, she's locked in that meat locker over there with the guy everyone thinks she should be with because there's no chemistry between the two of you. I'm sure nothing's going on inside there. I mean, yeah, they probably have to kind of cuddle together to keep warm, but I'm sure it means nothing to her. She's only doing it because she has no choice. Relax, she loves you. She could stay inside that meat locker with the guy everyone, including you, thinks is the right guy for her forever and it wouldn't make any difference. Your love is strong enough to conquer an undeniable need for the one she's supposed to be with.

Anyway, these two strong guys are gonna hold your arms and just make you stand there staring at the locked door for a couple hours. Your girlfriend and the guy she's supposed to be with are locked up in there.

Happy She's Locked In The Meat Locker Day!

Friday, October 3, 2003

Last In Line For Cookies Day!

Today, there are delicious cookies that come out of the oven piping hot. The boy in the front of the line gets the hottest, moistest, most wonderful cookie in the whole wide batch. The boy in the back of the line gets the shittiest cookie. Today, you are the boy in the back of the line. Today, you get the shittiest cookie, if you even get a cookie.

Happy Last In Line For Cookies Day!