Thursday, April 11, 2002
The Girls Are Pretty "I've Had It With You" Week!
Listen Dickhead, if I have to wake up one more morning and re-teach you how to wipe your ass I'm gonna fuck a kid. Pretty Girl is taking a vacation. So then, below, in decending order, are the next six special occasions/personal regression assignments. I'm thinking descending so as not to disrupt the flow of the page and send some sad fuck to his bathtub with a bottle of bourbon and a hypodermic full of Nyquil (I don't know, either). So scroll down to the bottom of this post and you'll find out what to do Thursday, April 11th. Try not to read early about the upcoming days or you'll ruin everything and we'll all call you to tell you you're not very attractive.
TUESDAY, APRIL 16TH
Kill It!!! Day!
I think he ran up the doorframe! Get it! No, wait. Oh Christ, I just had this place sprayed for-- Fuck it's got fucking wings!!! Kill it! Kill it! Because today's Kill It!!! Day!
MONDAY, APRIL 15TH
Dance To Nothing Day!
Today, alcohol and nudity will be a big help. Privacy is a plus as well. No one's telling you what to dance to. Well, actually, we are I guess. Dance boisterously and erotically if you can muster it to absolutely nothing. Close the windows, the blinds, unplug the stereo and even the phone because that ring can provide a rhythm. Just get in front of a mirror and undulate like you want nothing more than to sway with your reflection until the Earth caves under. Look at your nipples as your arms fly up into the silence. You're pretty when you dance and that look on your face tells me I did not have to point that out to you. Because today's Dance To Nothing Day!
SUNDAY, APRIL 14TH
Call Someone You Know Is Dead Day!
A few months ago you were bored and started Googling old college buddies to see what you could find. Turns out your sophomore roommate Kelly died in a car crash, leaving behind a childless husband. Well, you have his number. Call him up and ask for Kelly. Just let him explain that she's no longer with us and apologize for the indiscretion. You'll never forget it.
SATURDAY, APRIL 13TH
Hang On To Your Wide-Eyed Innocence Day!
Don't ask what's buzzing behind all those glassy eyes you see floating by on the sidewalk. You'll make them forget their answer. You should have been broken by now. Keep your head down and wear a sweater. Don't catch cold. Don't lose hope. I bet you don't even know it's yours to lose do you?
FRIDAY, APRIL 12TH
Get Into A Fistfight Day!
No one's saying you have to win. In fact, losing might be what you're looking for. After all, who wants to hang out with the asshole who just won a fistfight? It's the guy who lost, the one who probably brought it on himself, the charming prick who's saddled up at the bar to drink his own nosebleed with another beer that you wanna talk to. Look at him, he just got the shit kicked out of him and he's laughing out loud at his girlfriend for worrying about the cut on his head.
Don't just look at him. Be him. Go walk in front of a dart game and get your ass kicked by someone who smells like fresh drywall. Because today's Get Into A Fistfight Day!
THURSDAY, APRIL 11TH
Bore Someone With Talk About Your Smoking Habits Day! !
How many years? How many packs a day? Cutting down? Picking up the pace? Does your wife want you to quit? These are the questions to which your friend does not want answers. But guess what, today you're gonna tell him anyway. Why? Because I hate your fucking friends and I hate you you fuck.