When you get the stolen bike home, a man in futuristic dress will be sitting in your living room.
“Oh, you already stole it,” he’ll say.
Roll the bike into your bedroom then sit with the man.
“Do you have any idea who you stole that bike from?”
You shake your head.
“The future. My future. That man is meant to lead the movement that will one day bring America under the rule of fascist tyranny for centuries…if someone can prevent you from stealing his bike. Because when he decides to walk to work he crosses against the light and gets hit by the front of one bus throwing him into the back of another bus, killing him instantly.”
“Oh my God,” you say. “I killed a man. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. In another timeline I come back a little earlier and kill you before you can steal his bike.”
You just stare at the assassin.
“I undershot it by a half hour,” he adds.
You still aren’t sure what’s happening.
“So you’re good. You can live the rest of your life peacefully until the end.”
“But in another timeline you came back at the right time and murdered me?”
He shrugs. “Shouldn’t steal stuff.”
All of this absorbed now, you ask him, “So what are you going to do now?”
“Dunno,” he’ll say. “Can’t exactly go back. It’s a one way time portal only. Guess I gotta find a place to live.”
And that’s how you become roomies with the assassin from a fascist future America who was sent back in time to murder you but got here too late.
Happy Steal A Bike Day!