Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!

Your buddies Nick and Booter are buzzing your apartment. They're on their way to work at Knutzens Tire Junction, but they just wanted to stop off and let you know that you're beautiful.

"I'm not!" you shout into your intercom.

"You is too!" Nick shouts back. "Don't you fuckin' say otherwise."

"I'm ugly! I am ugly!"

"You fuckin' piece of shit!" shouts Booter. "All throughout high school you were always the most attractive one of our crew. Whenever we'd do whippits, all the girls would fight over who gets to suck on the tube after you."

"And the waitresses always used to give you free cokes at Cracker Barrel," Nick adds.

"So don't fuckin' tell us you're not beautiful!" commands Booter. "Forget what Stacy Knutzen says."

"She's lonely and she's drunk with power," says Nick. "Wants to pretend she's Cleopatra."

Stacy Knutzen took over control of Knutzen's Tire Junction after her father died. She's a 26-year-old junior college grad with not a lot of brains. She announced on her first day on the job that she was firing "all the girls and the not-hot guys." You got the axe.

"There's no accounting for taste," Nick adds.

"What if I exercised?" you ask them. "If I lost like fifteen pounds? Got back down to my hockey weight?"

Nick and Booter hesitate. Then they shout, "Um, yeah! Sure! You could--" But you release the listen button and go back to bed. That moment's hesitation told you everything. You'll never be hot enough to get hired back into that tire shop. It's all over for you.

Happy Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!