Thursday, July 09, 2009

You Steal Bikes Day!

This recession has forced us all to improvise to make ends meat. Some people have started substitute teaching, others have started killing for money. You’ve found that there’s a lot of cash to be made in the theft and resale of bicycles.

Today you’re going to steal a real nice mountain bike from a lady when she parks outside a deli for just a second while she grabs herself a juice. When you bring the bike to the second-hand bike shop, you’re going to find this is one hot bike that won’t be so easy to sell.

“I know this bike,” Jerry the proprietor will say. “You know whose bike this is?”

“Some girl’s,” you’ll say.

Jerry will open up a newspaper to an article on the Molinari mafia trial. You’ll see a photo of Mob kingpin Louie Molinari standing outside the courthouse laughing it up with reporters. Right next to him will be the girl you stole the bike from today. In the photo, she’ll be sitting on that very bike.

“Why’s she sitting on a bike outside the courthouse where her Dad’s on trial?” you’ll ask.

“Maybe she just finished up her bike ride in time to take a picture with her Pop,” Jerry will say. “Who knows? The point is, that girl loves her bike, and you just stole it from her. She’s the daughter of the most dangerous man in the city. If you think I’m gonna let that bike inside my store, you’re dead wrong.”

“What am I supposed to do with it?” you ask.

“Throw it in the river,” Jerry says. “Throw yourself in after it. It’s where you’re gonna end up anyhow.”

And that’s how you'll end up going on the run from the mafia, shithead.

Happy You Steal Bikes Day!