Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Your Mom’s Second Husband Moved Into The Building Across The Street Day!

He likes to strangle himself while masturbating, apparently. His name’s Lou and your Mom (dead six years now, natural causes) married him in 1991, then divorced him in 1994. Lou is presently jerking off while hanging from a belt attached to a large hook mounted on his bedroom wall. He’s kicking his legs.

She cheated on your Dad with him. Since he was the guy who brought about the downfall of your parents’ marriage, Lou has always loomed pretty big in your family history. Though after she divorced him, anytime he was brought up in conversation your Mom would just shake her head as if she were embarrassed by her foolishness in marrying such a man. As Lou’s hand jerks with even more fury and his face turns purple, you think you understand why.

By the time Lou comes and releases himself to drop from the belt to the carpet below him, you’re crying. The coincidence of Lou moving in across the street, and the lucky break that he doesn’t care for curtains, has opened your eyes to a whole new side of your dearly departed mom. It’s like you’ve just had a conversation with her where you’ve learned something new about her. You were always so grateful for those rare moments when she let you know she’s just as human as you, and she’s made just as many mistakes as you will. When you get the chance, you’re going to go over to Lou’s building and tip the doorman so you can find out Lou’s apartment number and send him up some anonymous flowers as thanks. For now though, you’re just going to keep watching to make sure Lou gets back up off his carpet.

Happy Your Mom’s Second Husband Moved Into The Building Across The Street Day!