Thursday, June 07, 2007

Maybe He’ll Just Reach Out Of The Bathroom And Yank You In There With Him Day!

You and your boyfriend are out at a bar for his brother Matt’s birthday tonight and Levi is there. Levi is the only boy you’ve considered cheating on your boyfriend with in the six years you’ve been together. By “considered,” I mean “masturbated incessantly to the idea of.” You have no intention of making a pass at Levi. But you do like to put yourself into situations where he could make a pass at you. Like tonight, when Levi goes to use the unisex bathroom downstairs, you’ll follow close behind and get there just after him.

“Oh,” he’ll say, halfway through the door. “You want to go first?”

“That’s okay,” you’ll say. “Finder’s Keepers.”

If he wants, he could just reach out and yank you in there with him. The unisex bathroom is in the basement, down a hallway of creaky floors. There’s a set of men’s and women’s bathrooms upstairs so not too many people come down there. If he feels like it, or if you look at him the right way, he could just grab your hand and yank you in there with him and then…things will happen. Things that are beyond your control. You won’t have done anything but gone down to the bathroom and you’ll have just gotten yanked into someplace and then before you knew what was happening…

Levi shuts and locks the door in your face and you wait. Maybe when he comes out he’ll tell you the toilet has a weird flush and he’ll take you in there to show you and when you’re both hovering over the toilet like that, playing with the flush and lifting your pants cuffs so they don’t absorb the puddle on the ground, it’ll just be so perfect that…not your fault.

“I didn’t do that to the seat,” he’ll say when he comes out. You’ll laugh in a way that tries to get him to make eye contact with you and pull you into his arms and kiss you before you have a chance to do the right thing and say no, but he’ll just keep walking down the hall and back up to the party. You’ll go inside and while you’re wiping strange urine off the toilet seat you’ll wonder why it’s just gotta be so fucking hard to accidentally cheat on your boyfriend.

Happy Maybe He’ll Just Reach Out Of The Bathroom And Yank You In There With Him Day!