Friday, June 08, 2007

Go Bust Your Crazy-Ass Girlfriend Out Of The Mental Hospital Day!

The girl you love was admitted into a mental hospital the other day and they won’t let you see her because you aren’t family. Since you’re an idiot, you’ve concluded that her family is just trying to keep the two of you apart. While her parents would certainly love for their daughter to lose all interest in you, being as they are aware that you are a complete freaking idiot, the reason they admitted her into a mental hospital is because she’s been increasingly paranoid and delusional. She was under psychiatric care long before you showed up and decided you could make her all better by dragging her outside in her pajamas in the middle of the night so she could watch the first snowfall of winter and charming bullshit like that. Her medication has been futzed with more times than you’ve filled in the “do not withhold taxes” box on your unemployment forms, and this week it was recommend that she try inpatient for a few weeks so they can monitor her reaction to the medication more closely.

Unfortunately, due to your being a fucking moron and a dickhead who sucks anus, you’ve decided that’s all just a bunch of bullcrap and you’re going to go right over to that hospital and “rescue” her from her very expensive care. You’re going to put on an orderly’s uniform that you bought from a uniform shop, sneak past the front desk and creep about the hospital until you find your girl. Then you’re gonna kneel by her bed and propose, using a plastic ring naturally. Because she’s only been there for two days she’s presently tranq’ed out of her mind and she’ll say yes with the same enthusiasm she uses to affirm that she would like a piece of cornbread with her chicken at dinnertime. Then you’ll pull her from her bed and drag her down the hallways to the main exit, with dozens of orderlies chasing after the two of you. You’ll elude them and you and your new fiance will escape from the hospital and you’ll finally be free to explore your great and endless love for each other.

After three days without medication she’ll be completely unmanageable and you’ll abandon her in a Roy Rogers. The manager on duty at Roy’s will alert the police and her family will arrive in a few hours to return their little girl into the hands of her physicians, and you’ll run off and ruin everything for everyone someplace else, hopefully someplace where everyone owns rifles.

Happy Go Bust Your Crazy-Ass Girlfriend Out Of The Mental Hospital Day!